As parents it can be a challenge to know how to lead our teens when it comes to the subject of dating. This is one of those topics in scripture that may seem like it’s not clearly outlined. So, what do we do? How do we lead our teens in this area? Do we just go along with the world’s view on the subject or even many others believers’ view? Below you will find a helpful resource as you help navigate dating with your student.
WAYS YOU CAN HELP YOUR STUDENT
“My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge” - Hosea 4:6a
What does the word have to say about dating?
First, we must understand that the word “dating” is a new word. You won’t find this word in scripture. The word doesn’t even come on the scene until around 1900. BBC columnist writes, “The first use of the word is often attributed to American columnist George Ade, in the Chicago Record in 1896. In one of his columns, he told the story of a clerk named Artie whose girlfriend’s head was getting turned by other men. When Artie confronted her, he said, “I s’pose the other boy’s fillin’ all my dates?”, alluding to the dates in his girlfriend’s diary that may have been filled by plans with other guys.” Dating wasn’t something you did because you had an amazing connection with someone. It was finding that one, in our case as believers, that one that God has designed to be our forever spouse. If He has a forever spouse, is it necessary then to go from one person to another testing the waters, trying to find him or her, all the while risking hurt, broken hearts, and even worse, the possibility of our teens losing their purity?
In Song of Solomon 8:4, we find an interesting scripture that says, “Young women of Jerusalem, I charge you, do not stir up or awaken love until the appropriate time”. As loving parents, we pray for the Lord to bring our teen their spouse in His perfect timing. Timing includes waiting. Should we not teach our teen to wait? We must teach our teens that there is beauty, safety, and blessing in waiting. There are cases where the Lord brings a couple together at a younger age, and through their parents guidance, leadership and involvement that couple makes it to the altar pure and having honored the Lord in their relationship; however, if marriage in a dating relationship is truly the goal, then typically our teens are not ready for this type of relationship when they are 13, 14, even 17 or maybe, don’t freak out on me here, even 18. It’s not about age. It’s about maturity and whether they are in a place where they can truly say, “This could be my future spouse, and I am ready for this type of responsibility”.
How do we know, as parents, that our teen is in a place of this type of responsibility?
We know they are in a place of being ready for a dating relationship when we can truly see our teen is putting Christ first and they are working at being obedient to Him. They are seeking Him for matters in life. They’re spending time with Him daily. They are faithfully WAITING on Him for other things in life. They are submitted to our authority and leadership as their parents. They are willing to set boundaries with dating and WANT to be held accountable. As teens, we’re driven by many passions. In my opinion, our teens should not date until they’ve made the Lord their first passion. When the desire is there to fully please Him, there is then a desire to seek the one the Lord has called them to, and then, to remain pure until they walk that aisle and say their vows.
Why do you say is it necessary to be this intense about dating?
They’re teens, let them have fun! Maybe they’ll figure out what kind of person they want to marry. God has a timing for everything. A perfect timing. When we get out of sync with God’s timing, we can find ourselves out of his perfect will, and when we’re out of God’s perfect will, we can find ourselves stumbling into sin and selfishness and other ungodly works of the flesh. A godly marriage is not about self-fulfillment. It’s about serving the other. Shouldn’t a dating relationship be the same. It’s not about dating this person because they make me feel good or they validate who I am as a person.
I once saw a very powerful illustration about dating. The “dating girl” held a paper heart. With each boyfriend and subsequent break up, she tore a small piece of that heart off and handed it to the boyfriend. Piece by piece her paper heart became smaller. Finally, one day her future husband came along. He reached expectantly for that paper heart. Her face was very sad as she handed him the tiny piece she had left. You see, she had given her heart away many times, and once her husband came along all she had left to give was a tiny piece of her heart. As a young man or young woman begins to date, they give away a little piece of their heart with each relationship. They can also give away little pieces of their identity. These experiences begin to shape and mold who they will become as a future wife or husband. They carry these things into each subsequent relationship and eventually into marriage. With every breakup they’re asking themselves, “Why doesn’t this person like me any more”. “Am I good enough? Pretty enough? Worthy enough?” If they are not rooted in the Lord, as stated earlier (He has first place), their identity begins to be wrapped up in these relationships and with each one a little piece of their heart goes with it. Will they have anything left by the time they find the one the Lord has for them? Will there be wounds that could have been avoided? Consequences?
I would like to challenge you that if your teen is not at an age where they are seeking Jesus for important choices. If they are not at an age of maturity where marriage could soon be in the picture. If they are not willing to fast (Yes! Fast! This could be a life altering decision) and pray about dating said person. I challenge you, then, to reconsider allowing your teen the freedom to date.
“Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God – this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will.” (Romans 12:1-2)
Below you will find continued helpful tools to help you and your student through navigating doubt.
What does the word have to say about dating?
First, we must understand that the word “dating” is a new word. You won’t find this word in scripture. The word doesn’t even come on the scene until around 1900. BBC columnist writes, “The first use of the word is often attributed to American columnist George Ade, in the Chicago Record in 1896. In one of his columns, he told the story of a clerk named Artie whose girlfriend’s head was getting turned by other men. When Artie confronted her, he said, “I s’pose the other boy’s fillin’ all my dates?”, alluding to the dates in his girlfriend’s diary that may have been filled by plans with other guys.” Dating wasn’t something you did because you had an amazing connection with someone. It was finding that one, in our case as believers, that one that God has designed to be our forever spouse. If He has a forever spouse, is it necessary then to go from one person to another testing the waters, trying to find him or her, all the while risking hurt, broken hearts, and even worse, the possibility of our teens losing their purity?
In Song of Solomon 8:4, we find an interesting scripture that says, “Young women of Jerusalem, I charge you, do not stir up or awaken love until the appropriate time”. As loving parents, we pray for the Lord to bring our teen their spouse in His perfect timing. Timing includes waiting. Should we not teach our teen to wait? We must teach our teens that there is beauty, safety, and blessing in waiting. There are cases where the Lord brings a couple together at a younger age, and through their parents guidance, leadership and involvement that couple makes it to the altar pure and having honored the Lord in their relationship; however, if marriage in a dating relationship is truly the goal, then typically our teens are not ready for this type of relationship when they are 13, 14, even 17 or maybe, don’t freak out on me here, even 18. It’s not about age. It’s about maturity and whether they are in a place where they can truly say, “This could be my future spouse, and I am ready for this type of responsibility”.
How do we know, as parents, that our teen is in a place of this type of responsibility?
We know they are in a place of being ready for a dating relationship when we can truly see our teen is putting Christ first and they are working at being obedient to Him. They are seeking Him for matters in life. They’re spending time with Him daily. They are faithfully WAITING on Him for other things in life. They are submitted to our authority and leadership as their parents. They are willing to set boundaries with dating and WANT to be held accountable. As teens, we’re driven by many passions. In my opinion, our teens should not date until they’ve made the Lord their first passion. When the desire is there to fully please Him, there is then a desire to seek the one the Lord has called them to, and then, to remain pure until they walk that aisle and say their vows.
Why do you say is it necessary to be this intense about dating?
They’re teens, let them have fun! Maybe they’ll figure out what kind of person they want to marry. God has a timing for everything. A perfect timing. When we get out of sync with God’s timing, we can find ourselves out of his perfect will, and when we’re out of God’s perfect will, we can find ourselves stumbling into sin and selfishness and other ungodly works of the flesh. A godly marriage is not about self-fulfillment. It’s about serving the other. Shouldn’t a dating relationship be the same. It’s not about dating this person because they make me feel good or they validate who I am as a person.
I once saw a very powerful illustration about dating. The “dating girl” held a paper heart. With each boyfriend and subsequent break up, she tore a small piece of that heart off and handed it to the boyfriend. Piece by piece her paper heart became smaller. Finally, one day her future husband came along. He reached expectantly for that paper heart. Her face was very sad as she handed him the tiny piece she had left. You see, she had given her heart away many times, and once her husband came along all she had left to give was a tiny piece of her heart. As a young man or young woman begins to date, they give away a little piece of their heart with each relationship. They can also give away little pieces of their identity. These experiences begin to shape and mold who they will become as a future wife or husband. They carry these things into each subsequent relationship and eventually into marriage. With every breakup they’re asking themselves, “Why doesn’t this person like me any more”. “Am I good enough? Pretty enough? Worthy enough?” If they are not rooted in the Lord, as stated earlier (He has first place), their identity begins to be wrapped up in these relationships and with each one a little piece of their heart goes with it. Will they have anything left by the time they find the one the Lord has for them? Will there be wounds that could have been avoided? Consequences?
I would like to challenge you that if your teen is not at an age where they are seeking Jesus for important choices. If they are not at an age of maturity where marriage could soon be in the picture. If they are not willing to fast (Yes! Fast! This could be a life altering decision) and pray about dating said person. I challenge you, then, to reconsider allowing your teen the freedom to date.
“Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God – this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will.” (Romans 12:1-2)
Below you will find continued helpful tools to help you and your student through navigating doubt.